We’ve all been there–it’s 2 am and you’re hunched over a toilet throwing up the entire contents of your stomach. If you’re lucky someone will be there to help hold back your hair and listen to you swear until morning, but if your face frequents the porcelain throne more than once a month chances are no one is willing to help you cope–so you’ve got to do it alone. Here’s some ways to make sure you don’t pass out and drown in a pool of toilet water.
- Find a toilet and commit.
If you’re throwing up for 3+ hours, then finding the right toilet and sticking to it is crucial. You’ll form a lifelong bond with it, and people will start referring to that toilet as your toilet, and doesn’t that feel good? Isn’t it nice to go from being a “me” to an “us?” Sure is. Also, you need a comfortable place to rest your hands and head–a warm toilet seat is perfect for that.
- Bring entertainment.
You can only stare at the tiles in a college dorm for so long before you start to see your ex-boyfriend in the patterns, so bring something to keep your brain alert during those few heady moments when you’re not vomiting. A few of my favorites are Cranium, Monopoly, and Operation. These games kill time and you’ll impress everyone at your next game night when you can fucking dominate Todd, even while neck deep in your own vomit.
- Identify what just came out of you.
What did you eat today and is it the culprit? We all know that corn, flaming hot Cheetos, and any kind of green sludge is easily identified, but the real test is determining the genus and species of the mass of brown and purple goo is and how it got there. I do this mainly to figure out what to never eat ever again. My list so far includes cafeteria chili, hot dogs, Gatorade, two-week old white rice, Nutella, and Fireball.
- Stay hydrated, maybe bring a snack.
Throwing up, after completing the walk of shame, can be emotionally draining. To combat this, make sure your physical body is doing alright. Drink your weight in water or Fireball or whatever and bring a snack. Burritos and a rotisserie chicken are my go-to’s, but be prepared to throw up these snacks and never want them in you ever again (see above list). Eating and drinking while so close to a place where your dorm mates shit is a really humbling experience.
Good luck, and try to not let the self-loathing attached to throwing up in the middle of the night when most respectable adults are sleeping keep you up. You need the rest.
CHIVOMENGRO 
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