If you attend college, then you’re probably going to go to a few parties during your time at your chosen institute of higher learning. Odds are, at least one of these parties will be a frat party. This happens to all college students at some point, usually freshman year. The little community of Champlain does not include fraternities however that doesn’t stop students from finding them since UVM is close and has quite the selection. It’s likely that your parents warned you about frats, especially if you’re a girl. You were probably told all about how disgusting they are. An anxious mother or father likely impressed upon you that you should never, ever put your drink down or even go to one in the first place. In this case, your parents were right.
There are more fun and less skeevy party options available. However, as a little blossom of a freshman, you probably haven’t yet developed the upperclassmen contacts necessary to find out where the good parties are every weekend. So if at some point you and your friends find yourselves with nowhere to go and a bag of wine burning a hole in your totally-not-obvious mom-sized purse, a frat party will seem like a good option. Don’t let me make you feel bad about giving in to the temptation–we’ve all been there and we understand. Unlike your parents, I am operating under the far more realistic assumption that you’re going to go to a frat party despite any warnings. So, I’ve done the research and put together instructions so you can have a good time and hopefully not die. Before you drunkenly head out into the fray, please consider the following:
1.) Bring as many boobs as possible.
To get inside in the first place, you must provide the name of a brother or someone who’s already been accepted inside. If you cannot provide a name, a sufficiently large group of attractive females will generally be accepted in lieu of one. A safe ratio is three girls for every one guy. (Increase this ratio to four girls if the guys happen to be particularly tall and/or attractive and therefore threatening to the egos of the frat house’s inhabitants.) If you happen to be the one bringing the double D’s to the party, expect your friends to drunkenly pop some of your buttons and shove you to the front upon arriving to act as an ambassador, or amboobsador. Nothing, I repeat, nothing is more effective than boobs.
2.) Be under the influence of something.
No, seriously, you don’t want to be sober. Once you get inside you’ll realize that yes, frat parties are every bit as skeevy and disgusting as your mother told you they would be, not at all the place for a proper young lady who crosses her legs and never swears or whatever the fuck it is proper young ladies are supposed to do. Someone will inevitably spill beer on your favorite flannel (don’t wear anything you’re particularly fond of) and you’ll have to sidestep the sexual activities of those far drunker than you on the dance floor. But if you’re pleasantly inebriated it won’t seem nearly as gross, and you’ll have a fuck-ton of fun.
3.) Practice the buddy system.
It likely won’t be long before your group disperses, and if you happen to own a pair of boobs, you don’t want to be by yourself. Pick at least one friend and go crazy. Practicing the buddy system means you can pretend to pole dance together (it’ll seem like a great idea at the time), prevent each other from drinking unidentified open alcoholic beverages of suspicious origin, and drag each other away from whomever is trying to reach your stomach with their tongue at the moment. When you encounter a particularly intoxicated, unwantedly persistent frat boy, you and your buddy can kiss until you’ve successfully convinced him that you’re lesbians. (Use making out as a last resort, as it can be considered a turn-on which is a bit counterproductive.)
4.) Do not drink anything.
I know you know this already but it will become increasingly relevant as the night goes on. Don’t worry, this isn’t going to turn into a terrifying cautionary tale about the evils of frat boys. But when you’re drunk it’s entirely possible you’ll forget the no open drinks rule. Pre-gaming with your friends before you head out is your safest option. If you find yourself in desperate need of more alcohol, I’m not saying you should sneak into someone’s room and steal an unopened bottle of champagne from the mini-fridge. I’m just saying that you probably could do so without getting caught. You could probably also take it home and have mimosas in the morning. Or so I’ve heard.
5.) Reflexes are everything.
After a while you might lose your buddy when they run off to play beer pong or make out with a guy you’re almost certain would still be attractive if you were sober. You now find yourself navigating a dark frat house basement solo, which is not ideal. You must now take on alcohol-fueled Matrix-like abilities in order to survive. So embrace your inner Keanu Reeves and dodge those bullets (or in your case drunk, handsy bros) like a pro. If you end up with multiple frat boys grinding on you at once while shouting about how “legendary” each other is, any passing familiar face qualifies as a life preserver for you to use to pull yourself away. Otherwise weave, twist, shimmy, duck, spin, and limbo until you’re safely reunited with your buddy.
Have fun. Don’t die. You’re welcome.