Essay / Nina Knorr

HOW TO BE A DOUCHEBAG: YOUR EVERY DAY HOW TO GUIDE

lacrossewebThere are many things to remember when speaking of “How to be a Douchebag.” Douchebags like me come in many shapes and sizes in this day and age, but we are going to talk mainly about how to be a bro-like douchebag.

The first thing to remember is talk like a bro. It’s a tone that says “I know everything, but I don’t actually know what’s going on. Please, for the love of God do not ask me what year they signed the Declaration of Inde–whatever.” It’s kind of a condescending tone that requires a push from the diaphragm. Hence all the squats and crunches.

Secondly, never wear appropriate clothing for the weather. This is a very important step, because it makes you stand out among the common people. For example, if it’s winter; wear flip flops! Wear lax shorts, too. People will notice you. If it’s summer, be sure to wear a sweatshirt! And don’t forget, lax pinnies are acceptable all year round.

  • A side note for your douchey attire… Make sure to have a ball or stick to whatever sport you play handy. If you play football, have your football. Toss it around over nerds’ heads. If you play lacrosse, carry your stick around. If you play basketball, twirl it around on your finger while walking down the hall. If you play soccer… You’re just not American.

When it comes to school, make sure to give your teachers some smartass answer when they call on you. They shouldn’t call on you when you aren’t paying attention anyway, right?

Hopefully you were endowed with a douchey name, such as: Chad, Trent, or Tip. However, if your parents were not douchey enough to give you any of these names, you and your bros gotta help each other out.

If you see your bro, you have to say “Hey, brah,” especially if his name is not douchey enough to suit him or your crew. “Broskie, broreguez, and brohammed” are all also acceptable things to call your buddy.

When it comes to girls, you can’t outwardly act like a douche. However, here are some tips to keep your douchiness in check while getting some tail:

  • If a girl texts you, don’t text her right back. Keep her guessing. Wait at least three minutes. This way, she’ll think that maybe you’re texting other girls, or you are too busy to text her back.
  • Whenever a girl asks you what you are up to, make sure you say “working out.”
  • Make sure to keep posting lascivious comments on random, hot, party girls’ pictures. This says, “yeah, I gotta chic; but this gas station is still open for business.”
  • Make sure that your profile pictures for any social networking always include your pecs or your abs.

One last thing. Don’t ever, ever, ever under any circumstance… Leave the house without a cap sporting your favorite: baseball, hockey, lacrosse, basketball, or football team.

All in all, being a douche is pretty hard work. If you’re willing to put in the hard work, people will admire you for no reason other than your dashing good looks and charm. If you and your boys follow the Code of Douchebaggery, you will be sure to find the ladies crawling all over you and your mother extremely unhappy with your behavior.

Have a clutch night, brohards.

 

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