Written by Jordan Coolbeth
Art by Hadley-Rae Balmes
Are you an American who’s traveling to Europe soon? Have you finally decided to flee the country? Do you want the locals not to know you’re an American? Fear not, we know exactly how you can blend in! I present to you: 10 ways to pretend to be a local while traveling abroad to Europe!
1) Stop and talk to every person you see.
I know it can be tempting to keep your head down and ignore everyone. After all, the best way to not be noticed is to be quiet and keep to yourself, right?
Wrong.
Europeans want to talk to you! If you spend all your time hiding in a corner, not talking to anyone, they’re going to assume something is wrong with you. The best way to look like a local is to be noticed. Be loud, don’t be afraid of passersby hearing your conversations. You have nothing to hide. Stop and talk to people you see on the street. Europe is a big place, so most people who have somewhere urgent to be will drive. If they’re just walking around, they’re probably not doing anything important and will be happy to chat with you. Talk for a few minutes, talk for a few hours, it doesn’t matter. And whatever you do, don’t let them walk away from the conversation. If you do, they’ll think you didn’t actually care about the conversation and will assume, once again, that something is wrong with you.
Even if you don’t stop to talk, at least smile and wave at everyone. Don’t stop waving until they wave back. Being friendly and noticeable is the best way to blend in.
2) Stay cool.
Europe can get very hot, especially in the summer, so Europeans are great at finding ways to stay cool. Wear as few clothes as you’re comfortable wearing. A t-shirt and shorts are good, but a crop top or swimsuit would be even better. Don’t worry about modesty, staying comfortable in the heat is way more important.
Also, carry a sturdy, reusable water bottle with you and keep it filled with ice water. The more water, the better. If possible, find a five or ten-gallon water jug to carry around. Whenever you get too hot, just pour it over your head (even inside buildings). Water is the most effective way to stay cool, and hydration is important. People will be worried about you if you don’t have one on you. And don’t worry about keeping it filled, you can walk into basically any restaurant and ask them to refill it, and they will.
3) Be rude to politicians and other authority figures.
Europeans have no respect for their leaders. Just look at England, how much power does their royal family have? No one actually cares about them. Even local authorities like police officers have no real power.
So, insult them. Invade their personal space and refuse to leave. Criticize their policies. Criticize their character. Throw things at them. They won’t do anything to you, they’re trained to just ignore people and let them do whatever they want. Soon enough, everyone else will join in and you’ll look just like everyone else.
4) Don’t be afraid to treat yourself.
Europeans love expensive things. The British literally have a museum full of stolen, valuable objects from other countries. So, the best way to blend in is to spend a ridiculous amount of money on things you don’t need. Buy the biggest meal at the restaurant. Get an appetizer, multiple full meals, and multiple desserts. Buy souvenirs everywhere you go and put them on display on your bag or car so everyone can see them.
There’s also a common misconception that Europeans don’t tip at restaurants. This is not true. All countries expect people to tip at restaurants. In fact, most other countries expect people to tip at least 75% of the bill. If you want people to think you’re a local, always tip extra. Speaking of restaurants, they can be loud, so be sure to talk even louder. Like I said, being noticeable is the best way to blend in.
5) Relax.
Good news! Europe is a very safe place, so you can leave all your guns at home. Europeans don’t have anything to worry about. If you want to look like a local, relax. Lean against the walls and railings while talking to people. Keep your hands in your pockets. Take a seat and spend some time people watching. I know it’s not a nice shopping mall or parking lot, but landscapes can be pretty, too.
You honestly don’t even need to spend money on a hotel. Europe is so safe that you can just sleep outside and no one will bother you. Plug your phone into an outdoor outlet and leave it there for the night. You don’t need to worry about anything getting stolen. Find a nice bench in a park and go to sleep. By the time you wake up, everything will be fully charged right where you left it, ready for the new day.
6) Always show up early.
Don’t be so relaxed that you show up late to an event, though. Europeans may be calm, but they are very punctual. If you’re invited to an event, always show up at least an hour before the expected time. Even then, you may be the last person to arrive. When you make a reservation, get there early. Most of the time, they expect you to show up at least an hour early. If you arrive ‘on time,’ they’ll probably have just assumed you aren’t coming and given your spot to someone else.
Stores work the same way. If it says the shop is open from 9:00 AM to 5:00 PM, that actually means it’s open from 7:00 AM to 8:00 PM, so feel free to stop by. At least a couple of people will be there. If no one is there, that’s a sign that something is wrong. Call the police and let them know, they’ll appreciate your agency and send someone down to make sure everything is alright.
7) Stick to “touristy” areas.
There’s a common misconception that people who live in Europe get used to the beautiful scenery and buildings and just ignore them. People seem to believe that they tend to avoid famous places in order to avoid running into tourists.
That is not true.
In Europe, tourist areas are just the cool places everyone hangs out. If you want to look like a local, that’s where you want to be. Stop and stare at the buildings. Talk to random people on the street and ask them to take photos of you. Walk wherever you need to to get the best view of the Eiffel Tower or other famous landmarks, even if that means standing in the middle of a busy road. Europeans don’t drive very much anyway, so they won’t mind.
8) Use the imperial system to measure everything.
For some reason, people assume that everyone in Europe uses the metric system. I have no idea why. Everyone uses the imperial system for basic measurements, and most countries only use the metric system in scientific settings. If someone asks you for directions, describe the distance in miles and how long it takes to get there. When talking about the weather, measure in degrees Fahrenheit, not Celsius. If you’re shopping for ingredients, measure everything in cups and ounces. People will have a much easier time understanding you.
9) When traveling with small children, keep them close to you.
European children are incredibly well behaved, and there’s a good reason for that. Most European parents don’t let their children run around and play. They don’t let them leave the house alone at all, even for school. European children are expected to stay right next to their parents at all times.
If you are travelling with small children, whether they are your kids, your siblings, or just some random kids you kidnapped to go on a trip with you, make sure they don’t run off. If anyone sees them walking around alone or playing more than a few feet away from you, they’ll immediately assume something is wrong. Keep them on a leash if that’s what it takes to keep them from causing a scene. That’s the best way to not be noticed.
10) Don’t overthink it.
A lot of people, when traveling abroad, spend way too much time studying the local culture ahead of time. It’s not helpful. Most of the time, the sources you find will be overdramatic, outdated, and inaccurate. The more you try to respect the culture of the country you’re visiting, the more annoyed the locals will be.
So next time you decide to spend some time abroad, don’t let anyone tell you what to do! Do what you want, have fun, and if anyone tells you you’re doing something wrong, ignore them. They can adjust their lives to work around you if it’s such a problem. At the end of the day, what matters most is you.