How I Inadvertently Started a Cult

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Written by: Big Mike

Art by: Izzy Dicky

The Stars. Those magic little spots in the sky we all see at night when we are too fucked up to look straight. Well, they were the catalyst that led me towards a path of darkness, not metaphorically, but literally darkness, as in it was night. Anyway, I would at night sit outside the lovely dorm I called South House and just relax; look at the stars while I reflect on my day or week, ya know however I am feeling at the time, also to get away from people (we’ll see how long that lasted).

So, let’s take a little trip into the past. First semester at Champlain College, I am hanging out with my boys Hayden, Matt aka Alex, Noble Namenson (his fake name), and Rugby Steve. We were hanging out in Bankus and at one point I decided I was tired and wanted to go home. It had been a  sunny day so I had myself a sunhat and a pair of sunglasses. Since stairs are tiring, I decided to crawl out the window. I put on my sunglasses and my hat, crawled out the window and was in the Bankus parking lot, and then I realized something. The sunglasses canceled out the light from the streetlamps, yet I could see the stars. So, as one does, I laid down and gazed at the stars. 

It was here that the fuzz, the coppas, Child Protective Services (CPS) showed up and for whatever reason. They seemed to think I was under the influence of something. Pulling up in a CPS-mobile, the CPS officer questioned me about whether I was a student, why I liked Champlain, and whether or not I knew where I was currently. After a couple minutes he told me to have a goodnight and then he drove away. Later when I was heading back to South House, I saw this CPS officer again and I said “hello.” Rather than waving back, he just gave me an odd look and continued to drive past Jensen. 

After this, whenever I went out to my “screw the world” spot, aka the South House front bench, people began to join me. After like four people showed up I realized the bench would be too small for everyone so we moved back to the parking lot. Next thing you know Big Mike’s Stargazing Club has started in the parking lot of South House, Thursday nights at 10:00pm EST. 

Funny thing is, literally thirty seconds after we started, a CPS car drove up and asked what we were doing. Once they left, the real party began. We had some cake that someone had left over, my dear friend Noble Namenson (anonymity has to be maintained of course) brought and played his guitar, we chilled, sang random songs and then left. The following week we did it again and my dear friends at Child Protective Services showed up again and  told us to not do anything stupid, and left. We chilled again, sang some more and then went to bed. Just your average college parking lot activities. The final time we met officially was in the parking lot behind Jensen. This time, not one, but three CPS officers showed up. They came out in force, in battle formation even, two flanked around Jensen and one came down the driveway and we were pinned. They told us we couldn’t do this anymore, official stance was that there was a noise complaint but I don’t buy it, nonetheless we dispersed, but we were not defeated.

Afterwards it started to become colder and colder and the classwork started to pick up and I couldn’t do it that much. I wanted to go to Finney but alas life would have it not be so. Now it’s an idea, a dream of the past, kept alive by the whispers of a distant time, tales told around a shit-inducing Sodexo meal and the fact that nearly every night I go sit out in Finney Quad and do what must be done: stare at the sky alone because it’s relaxing. If you see me out there one night, feel free to join me. I don’t bite. Usually.

The Stargazers Cult Documentary, directed and produced by Noble Namenson (anonymity preserved)




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