December 2016 / Giuseppe Liquori / Review

A Whole Lotta Pizza

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One brave Chivomengro reporter decided to eat pizza every day for a month. Here is what happened:

I ate pizza every day in October. Am I disgusted with myself? No. Did I get fat? Nope. Does pizza forever haunt my waking memory and dreams? Just about.

It started off as a less-than-sober joke on October 1st when my roommate came home with a stack of Leonardo’s coupons—50% off ANY LARGE PIZZA. A large pizza with 4 toppings is gonna run like $25, because everything in Burlington is overpriced for what you’re getting (Leonardo’s is good, but is worse than most pizza places in Springfield)x but with these glorious coupons I could get a bunch of pizza on the cheap. But I only had until October 30th to use them.

And then I said, “Challenge Accepted.”

After I did it for a week I realized my half-assed joke was becoming a reality. I dove deeper into the menu and tried some ridiculous pizza combinations—potatoes, sausage, red onion, mushrooms, olive oil garlic, and a four-cheese blend was a notable one. Some days I went with the Always Dank buffalo chicken pizza. Other days I just had my roommate choose some weird one with thai nuts or something.

PizzaMeme-01.jpgI had a ridiculous amount of pizza for breakfast.

By the end of the month I just started getting veggie pizzas. I started to lose the taste for greasy toppings by the last week. Eating pizza almost started to feel like a chore. Almost.

But even a bad pizza experience is a good experience.

In the Leonardo’s kitchen, we were “that apartment.” One of the delivery drivers finally asked why we had so many fucking coupons. They didn’t care, they were just impressed.

You’re probably sitting there on your toilet reading this and wondering if I had some sort of cheese covered epiphany. Nope, not really. I thought I was finally gonna learn that pizza was something you could get sick of, but after a couple pizza free days in November, I was right back to eating it. The Month of Pizza only confirmed that pizza is all you need in life to satisfy your hunger. I ate pizza for a month and feel pretty much the same, no gains or losses in weight. BREAKING: Pizza is better for you than McDonald’s.

I wasn’t after a life lesson, though. I was after an experience. Like Morgan Spurlock or a wook at Burning Man, I wanted kick something off of my bucket list and see how it would make me feel. All I got was gas and the desire to take a nap more often than not (buffalo chicken does that). The most significant thing to come out of “Pizzatober” (it’s a thing now, deal) is proof I can commit to a long-term goal and an accolade I can’t put on a resume.

Would I do this again? Probably not. I spent more money than I should have on pizza even with it being half off. No regrets, though.

P.S.  Writing this makes me want pizza. I’m eating a fluffernutter sandwich right now with the shitty, ass end of the bread loaf.

Proof:

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