culture / Max Johnson / November 2016

A Champlain College Student’s 6-Step Guide to Preparing for Vermont’s Secession from the Union

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  1.   BUILD A WALL

of emotional support. Seceding from a nation requires a strong, tall and impenetrable sense of community. Before you even think about seceding, you have to block off those negative thoughts. We don’t want to be on the fence about this before we go through with it.

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  1.   SPEND ALL YOUR FLEX POINTS FOR THE SEMESTER ON TATER TOTS, IMMEDIATELY

Chances are, you’re going to have a lot less options for food after we break up with Old Uncle Sam. I’ve got insider tip: invest in Sodexo tater tots. They give you WAY too much for a dollar—it almost feels like cheating. Matt Damon played a guy who lived off potatoes on Mars, but this is much less time consuming and they probably taste better on this planet.

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  1.   GOOGLE HOW MUCH A PITCHFORK COSTS

I don’t know, are they eight dollars? Fifteen? They just seem like a must-have secession item, so it would be worth researching. I couldn’t really tell you how much they are because I’ve never really felt the need to use one… yet.

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  1.   STOP RESPONDING TO YOUR LATE-NIGHT TEXTING CONVERSATIONS WITH JOE BIDEN

This is the hardest step in secession. I know you and Joe really hit it off after he found those two quarters at Penny Cluse, but it’s going to be terribly awkward if you tell him we’re leaving the union, so it’s best that you just ghost him.

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  1.   GET THE FUCK OUTTA THERE

Some people will tell you we’re all fucked no matter where you run to, but I think Canada still seems like a nice alternative, all things considered. At this point, you’ll realize that seceding is a lot of work, so just let the other Vermonters handle it while you enjoy Tim Hortons and a legal drinking age of 18.


  1.   PERMANENTLY ENTER THE SIMULATION

There’s one thing you can’t secede from; reality. Or can you? I could put some clever metaphor here about how the red pill and blue pill represent the current state of American politics, but I think I just put this step in here because I wanted a VR headset to play video games with.

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