It can be easy to find yourself lonely, frustrated and jealous when you’re single on Valentine’s Day. This year, the holiday that does its best to make you feel worthless falls on a Sunday–the most depressing of all days. Unless you’re excellent at Tinder and can find love at a moment’s notice, you’re doomed to feel an overwhelming, destructive, almost existential sense of V-Day self-pity.
But hey.
I’m here. Yeah, me. Will Lanthier. 20-year-old gay dude who has never had a stable, long-lasting romantic relationship. And I’m here to let you know what to avoid this Valentine’s Day so you can dodge those shitty self-deprecating feelings we know so well.
Here are 5 tips to keep you from falling into the abyss:
1. Maybe don’t drink till you vomit.
Saturday night. February 13th. Galentine’s Day. The holiest of all days.
Brunch is over. You’ve moved from mimosas to Bud Light Lime or whatever cheap liquor you can get your hands on. You go to party. Probably a shitty basement filled with sweaty dudes you’ve matched with on Tinder this past semester. You’re drunk. Like super drunk. You’re ready to send that 12th unanswered text to Greg. But look, friend, maybe it’s time to take a step back. Eat a loaf of bread and go home. Alcohol is chill, but let’s not act like it hasn’t ruined your weekends before.
2. Sleep.
Sleep all day. From morning til night. It’s like a coma, but not as scary. You probably won’t be sad in your dreams. Stay away from the nightmare that is February 14th.
3. Break your fingers.
An unlikely suggestion, but desperate times call for desperate measures. While you’re spending the entire day in the hospital you could come across someone else burned by love. Literally or figuratively. You may find love, but if you don’t, you’ll probably forget that it’s Valentine’s day because you’ll be too concerned about your broken fingers.
4. Make a big body modification.
You know what’s great to do when you’re upset? Make a big permanent life decision. You can dye your hair, shave your head, tattoos, piercings, really the limitations are nonexistant. Artistic Ink is currently giving away free Bernie Sanders tattoos. 10/10 life decision, book here.
5. Look for other singles in CCM Eats.
Hip haven CCM Eats is only the coolest and newest hot spot on Champlain College campus (not sponsored, but I’m open to it @ChamplainCollege). Filled with hard working, dedicated young professionals, you could easily close your eyes and throw a rock to find your next romantic partner. If you can’t find anyone worth your time, it doesn’t matter because chicken fingers are only a few steps away.
CHIVOMENGRO 