Written by Julia Cote

Art by Lute Campbell

Happy holidays, tree toppers and bottoms! Please take these words of advice to heart to avoid disaster this season. 

Aries: Deck your halls, not your enemies’ faces. We can’t catch a charge before the new year. 

Taurus: Please take a moment to recognize that your Elf on the Shelf was genderqueer before it was cool. Now they’re not even on the shelf, they’re in your mom’s basement. Break that trailblazer out, goddamnit. 

Gemini: Groundbreaking fit you’ve got going on there. I never would’ve thought to put a sweater and mini skirt over some black tights. God loves your mind.

Cancer: The transition from Secret Santa to Yankee Swap at the family gathering is a lot to process, so be kind to yourself at this time. 

Leo: Reindeer are real, just so you know. As far as I’m aware, though, they cannot fly. 

Virgo: You unfortunately cannot orchestrate this holiday season to your liking. You could make a popcorn and cranberry garland, though, and no one but yourself could ruin your creative vision. 

Libra: You act like someone who has never participated in a snowball fight without crying. Take this harsh observation as a reminder that victory requires pain. 

Scorpio: No one gives into “deal” propaganda more than you, my love. I’d like to warn you about cults, but we both know you stand no chance against a charismatic leader. 

Sagittarius: We the people, in the month of December, give you license to kick the backs of men’s knees if they’re wearing basketball shorts. 

Capricorn: You buy cigarettes and junk food, you can afford to stop calculating the amount of tape you use to wrap a present. 

Aquarius: The abominable snowman has been trying to reach you about a 2018 fender-bender. Does this ring any bells?

Pisces: We all know about the dangers of yellow snow, but what they won’t tell you about is very very light blue snow. It looks basically indistinguishable from regular snow, but will give you strange urges if ingested.