Written by Julia Cote

Art by Greta Scheff and Alisa Kokorovic

Alas! The stars and I have come to help you through this month of sweaty thighs sticking to public surfaces and fourteen year old boys running amok at all times of day. Take this information–as well as my advice to avoid sitting down outdoors and to bully boy-children–and be on your merry way. 

Aries: Yes, Aries, that specific kind of bug does have it out for you. I know this is a troubling idea, but have you considered the possibility that The Metamorphosis wasn’t fictional, after all? Have any of your human enemies recently disappeared from public life? Sure, Gregor Samsa transformed into a human-sized roach and your opponents are regular-sized, but it is still worth considering. 

Taurus: Feel grateful that, when you walked up to greet a friend, your nipple was peeking out of your bathing suit top. That was a bonding experience. Embarrassment is for the fishes, Taurus. 

Gemini: You take great pride in your theoretical preparedness in the event of a zombie apocalypse. Most of us secretly feel this way. What you might want to consider, Gemini, is that the more you brag about it to your friends, the more paranoid they may become that at the slightest sneeze, you’ll think they’re “turning” and act without hesitation. 

Cancer: And how do you think it’ll make your stuffed animals feel if you don’t sleep next to them every night? They miss you, bring them to the sleepover. 

Leo: You don’t get a birthday month. You don’t really even get a week. You get one day. Stop torturing your loved ones; “Leo season” isn’t for at least two weeks and they’re already worryingly shaking their piggy banks. 

Virgo: Beware of the Taurus in your life, particularly when it comes to the safety of your favorite dishes. They have the spatial awareness of a man flying economy. It isn’t their fault (the Taurus, not the man) but perhaps you should hide the good stuff when they’re around just to be safe. Or, don’t let them open your cupboards. 

Libra: It may be frowned upon, but it is valid to dislike someone solely because of the way they smell. 

Scorpio: Call your loved ones before you get them any more trinkets. Everyone runs out of display space eventually. 

Sagittarius: Why do you have beef with that baby? You know. THAT baby. 

Capricorn: You are a creature of nuance, Capricorn. You secretly resent those around you for their inferior work ethic, while also striving to see the death of capitalism. You might as well give Adam Smith a kiss; he’s already screwing you. 

Aquarius: On the subconscious level, Aquarius, you already know this. Yet, I feel I should remind you that your string of romantic partners have all looked suspiciously similar to the same species of barn animal. If you are having some trouble figuring out which animal that is, perhaps throw on an episode of Back to the Barnyard to get some ideas. I mean, that Otis is pretty…

Pisces: Check your fridge. The stars have enlightened me to the soup form that bag of greens appears to be taking. While I’m all for getting creative with your veggie intake, best-by dates do actually signify something.