Amanda Collins / culture

How to Stay Single

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Being a single gal myself, I can confirm that there are some serious perks to the “loner” lifestyle. I am an independent, free 20 year-old chick and I can have 50 crushes at once. Literally, no one can say anything. And if you do have something to say—wow—you’re probably sort of a dick.

I’m constantly hearing about how people hate the single life. Well, I’ve been running this track for a couple years now. Sounds sad, but it’s not. Obviously there are some days where I want every pillow in the world to surround me in a dimly lit room full of chocolate ice cream and endless episodes of New Girl, but that doesn’t happen often. And usually when it does, guess why?new-girl-single-die-along-gif-1

Yep. You guessed it. I was probably sad because a boy made me cry.

Most of the time, though, I am a confident, super-empowered person who believes in the glory of the single life. So, I’ve devised a few steps for you to lead your single life to the fullest. You are single for a good reason and you need to live it up and get excited every night you go out. You’re hot and empowered and that human you are crushing on across the room? Yeah well, they probably want a mouth kiss. And you have the single mouth that can provide that.

Step 1. This task is relatively easy for those independent guys and dolls out there. For those of you currently in a toxic and horrific relationship: break up with your significant other. Neither of you are single-handedly  crazy; it’s actually both of you. That’s not gonna change, so, just break up already.

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Step 2. If you think of yourself as a trusting person, realize that most people end up eventually disappointing you. Sorry to break your heart if you haven’t already noticed. If you trust no one, great! You are ahead of the game on a path to loneliness.

Step 3: Aim extremely high. If you find yourself beginning to have feelings for someone, make sure they are well out of your league. Your chances are slim to none. Cool!

Step 4: It never hurts to like someone that has a touch of asshole. Some assholes are just plain assholes, but others just had, like, a dash of asshole sprinkled over them at birth. Assholes are hard to get, which leads me directly into my next topic.

Step 5: Play The Game. The Game is fun. Either side of The Game is okay. I mean, I prefer to chase because clinginess makes me throw up, but being chased can be fun if that’s what you’re into. I feel like it’s more normal to want to be chased? Whatever, I’m weird. Head’s up and pro-tip: The Game will often lead to confusion.

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Step 6: When someone takes you on a date, prepare for it to go well. When that happens, you must think of every single one of their flaws. It’s imperative that you quickly change your mind into believe that, actually? They suck. This is a crucial step to maintain the single life.

Step 7: Buy a self-pleasuring object. Or make out with hot dogs. It was one time, I swear

Step 8: Have multiple crushes at once. You will have way too many people to keep track of, therefore you will not receive enough one-on-one attention to build anything serious. Simple as that.

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Step 9: Definitely make sure your commitment issues are evident. If this article isn’t explicitly telling you that I’m emotionally unavailable—that may be a huge problem for you.

Step 10: This possibly could be my personal favorite stage in this semi-depressing, yet kind of empowering list here. Remember, that someone is out there for you if you wish to someday have that-special-someone-who-will-make-you-feel-like-you-are-the-only-one-that-stands-out-in-a-room-full-of-a-thousand-people. So don’t worry, they will find you. The one your crushing on right now might just not be that perfect match. It’s important you’re confident they will come.

Keep living your single life and remember that you are a young soul who just hasn’t seen it all yet. Good luck on your search for love or sex or whatever you’re looking for. I hope it finds you soon.

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