"NEWS" / Gabe Rivas

Disney Announces Face-Melting Epidemic Not That Serious

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A recent NASA study shows that California has about a year’s supply of water left. Californians all over the state worry about the future and what it holds for them and their families. With the impending doom that is the American Dream of California living, many have turned to amusement parks like Disneyland to find the last bits of happiness in the state.

But unfortunately, water isn’t the only thing in short supply in California.  A new study shows that the Magic Kingdom has only about a year’s supply of magic left.

On March, 5th Disneyland had a record high for the year in attendance, but higher attendance has turned into a nightmare for Disneyland’s magic reservoirs. At approximately 1:00 PM the popular Finding Nemo Submarine Voyage stopped moving. All controls were stuck and 30 Disney guests were trapped inside their underwater vehicles. Efforts to save the riders are underway and they hope to have them out by the end of the month. We were able to talk to some of those trapped through the radio in the submarine. “Its gotten pretty bad down here,” said submarine number 12 rider, John Birch. “Each submarine is splitting into different factions and without food or water, we’re looking at a civil war down here.” After a lengthy pause Birch continued. “Please send help,” he said. “Soon.”

The study suggests that a serious lack of magic contributed to the Nemo ride breaking down.

The rides aren’t the only things suffering at Disneyland due to magic deficiencies. Glenn Peterson, 22, a recent college graduate, started working at the park in August as Goofy. Peterson signed autographs, took pictures with guests, and occasionally danced in the park’s parades. On March 13th, tragedy struck when Peterson collapsed to the ground in the middle of a photo with a 5-year-old named Jason. “We were taking the picture, then he fell! And got sad! Then his head fell off and a guy was in there!” said Jason. Witnesses say Peterson fell to the ground screaming, “ITS EATING ME!”as he removed the Goofy head. As his eyes melted from his face and his skin deteriorated, Peterson’s screams became more garbled. Park officials carried what remained away from the scene and witnesses received Fast Pass tickets to Space Mountain. Disney Officials have yet to comment on the event.

Professor Ludwig Von Drake, a respected Disney scientist, has come out of retirement to study the Peterson case. “The evidence in Mr. Peterson’s case suggests that the park is taking energy from other life forms, rather than magic, in order to supply itself. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT enter Disneyland, or your fate could be the same as Mr. Peterson.”

Disneyland has looked into running a pipeline from Walt Disney World as a relief effort, but states between have yet to sign an agreement due to the risk of possible magic spills along the gulf coast.

When asked what the future holds for Disneyland, an anonymous spokesperson said, “We really hope to get this all solved soon. But if you look at the numbers between tragedies and attendance, your odds of having your face melted are actually incredibly low.”

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