April 2019 / Editors / Feature / Sara Mayberry

Chiv Whoroscopes April

Written by Sara Mayberry

It’s been a long month, kids. I know y’all have been missing me! Don’t you fret, I’m here to help you decide what kind of altering life decision to make this month. This is the month we all sign the declaration of whoredependence, claiming our slutty realness.

Let’s fuckin boogie, bitches!

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Aries

(March 21- April 19)

OMFG Aries, this is your come up. While Aries season may have started kinda bumpy, get ready to kick your shit into gear because Mercury is ending retrograde on March 28th! While this has everyone and their mother ten types of fucked up, the planets are lining up for you, Aries. Concentrate your intense passion into something real, just jerking off doesn’t necessarily get you anywhere. Quit making those budgeting charts and dive knees deep into…well you get the idea. Let’s just say April is going to leave some good bruises.

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Taurus

(April 20 – May 20)

Taurus, who ISN’T catching some of your attention this month?! Between the guy with the good arms and the artsy girl from your major, everyone just seems to want a lil’ lovin from you this month. Emulate this sudden change in confidence quickly, it will definitely play to your favor. Let Ariana Grande’s Break Up with Your Girlfriend, I’m Bored be your anthem, this month you horny little bull*.

*Quick reminder that the sign Taurus is ruled by the sign of the bull you forgetful fucks!

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Gemini

(May 21 – June 20)

Hey, Gemini. I kind of feel like you barely need a whoroscope this month, you’re just constantly dine-and-dashing… if you know what I mean. Your fluidity and effortless confidence has everyone on their knees for you this month. Focus on the present, and avoid the hate sex with that one Republican you always argue with. While commitment isn’t exactly your first attribute, your budding romance has you headed for… actual feelings. Take it slow with this one, Gemini; trust me.

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Cancer

(June 21 – July 22)

Mop up your tears and let’s kick this into gear, Cancer. I’m going to give it to you straight – being a slut isn’t exactly your forté. You’re too giving and loyal to consider being with more than one person at a time, let alone not letting them meet your cats before you have sex. Aries season may have you feeling confused, seeing as your fire and water signs aren’t exactly compatible. Now is the time to cut out all of the toxic bullshit in your lives, whether it be a shitty partner or fascist manager at your work!

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Leo

(July 23 – August 22)

Your fire-sign-induced passion has recently been showing more than usual, leaving those around you affected by your… enthusiasm. Keep it up, Leo. Aries season is looking bright for you and your partner, or one-nighter – no judgement here. Shit is getting real – it’s time to consider the next steps in your romantic process. Your need for the spotlight is at its peak right now, bask in it, Leo!

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Virgo

(August 23 – September 22)

Virgo, you’re all over the place this month. Confess that crush or let it go, boo. It’s eating away at your lil emotional self. This month is more about prioritizing yourself and your needs before you get involved with anyone else. To put it simply, Virgo, you’re messy. Your inherent need to fix everyone is hindering you from living your best life! Just remember and value the importance of self care, you grounded lil nugget!

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Libra

(September 23 – October 22)

Libra, I’m going to be blunt. You’re in a dick drought. (Or the other stuff, whatever tickles your fancy). Your unannounced sexual dry spell has you feeling emotionally neglected, seeing as that’s when you thrive most. With Aries as your polarity*, try to gain an Aries in your environment, they can break you out of your love-less shell. Try to gain some self-validation before heading back out into, well, other kinds of head.

*Zodialogical Polarity: The sign that is considered your complete opposite (one has a type A personality, the other type B).  But when together, you completely understand one another’s logic and balance one another out perfectly.

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Scorpio

(October 23 – November 21)

Hey you creepy little creep! While you’re a pro at all things whore-esque, you constantly compartmentalize your feelings. Cut the shit, Scorpio. Aries season is going to slap you right in the face if you don’t start figuring out the difference between actual feelings and sexy ones. Sorry in advance for the reality check, it’s all in the planets, Scorpio!

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Sagittarius

(November 22 – December 21)

Sagittarius, get ready because this month is going to be slut city. Now is the time to use those independent, passionate feelings toward something worth your while. A Tinder profile may be in your future, as well as a BOMB ass hookup that you’ll never forget. Your beautiful magnetism is peaking this month, use this to your advantage!

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Capricorn

(December 22 – January 19)

Capricorn, it’s time to crawl out of hibernation and into the sexual sunlight. Recent events have you questioning yourself and your next moves, but don’t worry, there is light at the end of your dusty sex tunnel. So dust off your old tricks and flirting moves, and kick them into gear! Your insecurities are the only thing hindering you from getting the pie-chart- loving partner of your dreams.

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Aquarius

(January 20 – February 19)

One of the dearest air signs! Your intuition has you feeling every situation out, keep the good vibes going, Aquarius. Your recent romantic defeat calls for a need for a victory, whether that be a healthy makeout sesh with your FWB, or finally asking the cute person who plays guitar to tune out your kinks. Figure out what your moon sign is, and get your moods and emotions in check, because everyone and their mother knows deciphering your emotions is harder for you than your partner should be.

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Pisces

(February 20 – March 20)

Pisces, your beautiful imagination and head in the clouds has been playing to your advantage recently. While falling in love with 10000 people is more your style, one person seems to be tickling your fancy just right at the moment. This month will bring a lot of deeper emotions that will surprise you, but don’t worry, it’s all fine and dandy. Cry out some of those intense feels, even if it ends up leading to a 20 page essay about how their butt looks in those really good pants. Your feelings are always valid, Pisces!

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