Written by Chiv Astrologists

What’s up bitches, we’re here to see what kind of luck you’ll be getting in this four-leaf-clover-claimed month. Just because McDonald’s says it’s time to “get your luck on” with a Shamrock Shake, does not mean you should feed into one of the biggest monopolies in United States history. (Queue Marxist joke here).

Let’s get down to business and figure out our shitstorms of luck for this month:

Aries

(March 21- April 19)

Aries, your luck this month will bring you to a sense of calmness to soothe your uninduced consistent anger. And don’t you go getting fomo from that random friend group you’re obsessed with because they’re noticing you too. And that cute person from a few of your classes? They’re noticing your beautiful intelligence too, Aries. While patience isn’t your strongest attribute, let’s hold out for that one with the big hands and tattoos.

Taurus

(April 20 – May 20)

Bound by the symbol of the bull, your ray-of-sunshine attitude mixed with no bullshit has you making MONEY moves this month, Taurus. Stop hiding from the spotlight, you deserve all of your weird God-like glory and maybe some love attention, too. Quit napping and smelling the flowers and get to work, Ferdinand! (For those of you uncultured swines in the peanut gallery, Ferdinand the Bull is the best children’s story ever and no one can tell anyone otherwise).

Gemini

(May 21 – June 20)

Watch yourself this month, Gemini. Your two-faced bitchiness has you headed for a lonely couple of weeks. Just because you’re feeling romance towards your best friend’s brother doesn’t mean you should just go for the gold. Try to stay where you are this month, and don’t run away from things just because they’re starting to get a bit more serious than your flaky ass intended. Break less hearts and build on your art of not giving a fuck.

Cancer

(June 21 – July 22)

Mop up your puddle of tears from your pity party, Cancer. We know February wasn’t exactly ideal for you; you were at a crossroads with a lot of different friendships you were trying to hold onto. This is a new month, and a new you, boo! Consider joining that club you’ve had a weird-intellectual-crush on for a while, and dump that piece of shit you call a lover. Your insecurities are the only thing holding you back from going for the gold, you little emotional water sign. This month is about YOU, Cancer!

Leo

(July 23 – August 22)

Hey Leo, this month, you’re coming out of your emotional cocoon. Your independent nature has been muted at the cost of someone new, so you may have to suck it up and actually cuddle someone for once. Your unknown feeling of indecision has you down on your luck this month; however, the grass is greener on the other side. Let’s consider compromising your necessity for the spotlight – keep on keepin on, I think a singer/songwriter said that once. Feels right, right Leo?

Virgo

(August 23 – September 22)

Virgo! Your earth-sign-realness is calling for some grounding this month. Let’s consider taking some time to get your priorities straight, because everyone knows you’d give your left arm to the nearest person to ask for it. Consider what life is actually calling you to do and what YOU need in order to be a more wholesome lil nugget. Your luck this month resides in yourself and your ability to actually be able to say no to people. Stop being so goddamn nice all of the time, Virgo! People can wait, life cannot.

Libra

(September 23 – October 22)

What’s up, Libra. You’ve been in shambles recently, and shit feels like it’s constantly hitting the fan. Your idealism is playing into a large aspect of this, as well as your inability to come to terms with some old ideas/habits/bad people you just can’t let go. This month, go towards lots of intellectual stimulation in place of your hinderedness for sexual…uhh…stuff. You catch my drift, Libra. Quit bitching and start being an actual activist for your own fucking movement!

Scorpio

(October 23 – November 21)

Scorpio, let’s admit it, you’re falling for someone. Your ability to come to terms with that is a lot more challenging than you’d like to admit, and actually being with someone scares the shit out of you, because hit and runs are typically more of your style. While you’d rather be in your room with candles lit and praising your Ouija Board, the stars have something else planned for you this month. Your flighty instincts are telling you to get the fuck out, but you should stay. Something good is cooking that you do NOT want to miss.

Sagittarius

(November 22 – December 21)

Sagittarius, let’s keep it real; you’re dying to leave this month. Take spring break to go somewhere new and get the fuck out of this rut you’re in. Your curious tendencies have you changing your mind more than your underwear, and the idea of trying someone or something new makes you want to jump out of those undies. Go to a concert, get drunk, have a nightlife for the first time in a while! Just because everyone tells you to “be conventional” and “show up to class” doesn’t mean you have to conform.

Capricorn

(December 22 – January 19)

Hey you stable fuck. This month has you constantly itching for the future. While you can’t stop thinking about how much you’ll get from this year’s tax returns, let’s try to be a bit more present and stop jerking off to the idea of financial stability. Your luck this month resides in contentment with your current situation, and the idea that you’re actually becoming someone you’re proud of. (Who knew?) Emotional vulnerability should be your friend this month, in place of that prized possession you call a TI-84.

Aquarius

(January 20 – February 19)

Aquarius! A dear air sign. Where to start with you…well…to say the least, you’re difficult. Putting up all of your emotional walls and incapabilities to deal with how things are ACTUALLY making you feel will not be on your side this month. Immerse yourself in the thought of social climbing to your benefit, as well as reaching out to that ex who you randomly cut off because they said they “weren’t a socialist.” Enough of the dilly dally, it’s time to get your tarot cards read, and stop hanging out with that friend just because of the drama they curate. While organization isn’t exactly your thing, it’s time to compartmentalize the difference between work and pleasure.

Pisces

(February 20 – March 20)

It’s Pisces season (partially), so you are THRIVING this month, bitches. From a new-found relationship to re-hashing an old FWB fling, your luck has you feeling like you won the lottery this month. As a water sign, you’re bound to be a little….too emotional at times. Make sure you’re reigning in those first “I love yous” until the moment is right. Slow and steady wins the race, you gushy fuck.