Written by the Chiv Astrologist

Ring ring ring ring ring ring… Can you hear that? It’s the holidays a comin’ down the track straight into Capitalism Town!

Aw shit, you have a bunch of gift cards and nothing to spend them on?? Enter Chivomengro’s 2018 Holiday gift guide, each gift carefully selected with love and care by Chiv’s resident astrologist.

Worry no more, this guide is perfect for you, and for all your friends and family that you totally forgot to get shit for! (And also your girlfriend who isn’t your girlfriend but is your girlfriend. Congratulations on making it to Christmas.)

Aries

(March 21- April 19)

Fffphhuck yeah man!! For the wild and crazy fire sign in your life. Dress it up, dress it down, wear it out, wear it in. Aries will absolutely love rising to the challenge of making this sweatshirt look cool.

(Look at the back oh my god)

Taurus

(April 20 – May 20)

Washi tape!! We all know Taurus has a great love of collecting beautiful things, and these things are pretty and functional, which means eventually they’ll be used up and it’ll be one less thing you’ll have to help them pack during move out day.

(Unless of course they keep the cardboard rings for their sentimental value.. sigh.)

Gemini

(May 21 – June 20)

He’s perfect. Look at him.

You know that he’s perfect.

Cancer

(June 21 – July 22)

A beautiful sunny notebook for your crabby loved one! A place for all their musings in their power color.

Add on a few cute pens as well and they’ll be happy as a clam. (Crab?)

Leo

(July 23 – August 22)

A little bit regal, a little bit over the top, and totally chaotic when placed in a dorm room. Perfect for your Leo.

They’ll put all their treasures in it and think of you when they open it. Or maybe they won’t. (They probably won’t.)

Virgo

(August 23 – September 22)

Just like your Virgo! Beautiful and organized.

They’ll fill up an entire afternoon figuring out the optimal way in which to store their brushes and lip balms. Hours of fun.

Libra

(September 23 – October 22)

For cutting a bitch. In style!

Scorpio

(October 23 – November 21)

This holiday season, speak to your Scorpio in the language they understand: Sultry, sexy, and powerful.

Sagittarius

(November 22 – December 21)

Aww, lovely! A Year of Positive Thinking. Sometimes functional gifts are needed.

Capricorn

(December 22 – January 19)

Capricorn worked hard this year, but never gets enough recognition. Let them know that you see them, and you’re proud of them. Good job Capricorn, keep climbing those mountains in 2019. Have a stuffed penguin. We love you.

Aquarius

(January 20 – February 19)

If being a bad bitch was an Olympic sport, Aquarius would medal every time—but all that bad bitchery can run a gal down. Give your Aquarius an indulgent sea spa set and a night of them time.

You definitely beat everyone who got them socks.

Pisces

(February 20 – March 20)

Cause they’re a big sensitive nerd, and you love that about them.