Written by the Chiv Astrologists
(March 21- April 19)
Okay Aries, you’re stressed out—like, majorly stressed out. But stop fantasizing about peeling off all your skin and throwing it aside to start your life as an off-the-grid skeleton, because things are about to get better! Take a sick day and tackle your inbox, and then all will be well. As your season reaches it’s peak it may seem completely unfair to be in this funk, but just remember what you’re best at: outshining all the other signs during their seasons.
(April 20 – May 20)
You’ve had to deal with a lot of transitions lately, Taurus. You’re concentrating so hard on keeping it all together that you haven’t paused to appreciate all the work you’ve done this year, so let us do it for you. We’re so proud of you Taurus. Keep it up. And maybe treat yourself to some Rolos next time you’re in CVS.
(May 21 – June 20)
You’re heading for a period of peace and contentment, Gemini. Your instinct may be to stir the pot in order to generate the drama you crave, but don’t. Everyone needs a break from it and, honestly? You do too. Pull up a page of 24/7 lofi hip hop radio – relaxing beats to study/chill/sleep to and chill out. Ahhhhhh… nothing says calm like anime dialog dubbed over staticky jazz.
(June 21 – July 22)
Why won’t everyone stop pissing you off Cancer! Everyone is being so dumb right now! Ugh. But you know what, it might just be one person in particular that’s making you so frustrated, and they deserve to hear it rather than everyone else. Don’t be afraid of confrontation when it comes to your own feelings, Cancer. You’re too much of a Kween to let that bad energy build up in you, so address these fools head on and get back to being your best self.
(July 23 – August 22)
Something about Mercury’s position this month means that you’re going to be able to speak your mind clearly Leo. (We don’t really understand it, but who are we to argue with the planets?) Negotiate in life and business to have your needs met, but remember to listen to others needs as well. The coming summer is going to give you confidence and challenges that will test your goals, so go into it with strong bonds.
(August 23 – September 22)
Apparently April is going to bring you all kinds of confidence Virgo! This means you’ll be able to complete a few things you’ve been waiting to get to, but also means… increased sex drive. Time to Tinder it up! Hit and quit these losers all month—we give you permission.
(September 23 – October 22)
Honestly Libra, other astrologists are gonna try to push their misogynistic bullshit on you this month. They’re gonna tell you that this month, your relationships with men and superiors are more important than ever and that you should be obedient and polite. Fuck that! We would never talk to you that way because we know you’re a badass bitch but also because we know you will cut a fool. Our advice is this: keep being you.
(October 23 – November 21)
Scorpio, your Spring is all about trying something new. A new hobby or pursuit, even a new romantic relationship! One things for certain—you’ll nail it just like you do everything else.
(November 22 – December 21)
Ooh Sagittarius! We just heard the goss and are certain that love will be in the air in April. We’re not quite sure if it’s going to be another person though… the signs were unclear. It might be a new brand of hummus or face wash that will change your life. Either way, mazel tov to you both!
(December 22 – January 19)
Okay Capricorn, time to give yourself a break emotionally. You’re going to start feeling vulnerable and sensitive this month but still feel the pressure to keep up with appearances. It’s okay to be a hot mess now and again, its part of being a twenty-something. Let yourself have a good, dramatic cry or two… or five. Shower and get yourself some wings. You’ll be back to better in no time.
(January 20 – February 19)
The coming of the full moon means that its time for you to address your fears and shortcomings, Aquarius. Before you say you don’t have any—look at yourself honestly and think again. We have an idea! What have you been bullying people about the most recently? Odds are those are the failings you see in yourself. You’re on your way to betterment! Also… maybe lay off of other people for a while.
(February 20 – March 20)
Hey Pisces! Spring is here, which means you’re feeling good! Now you may be itching to hit up Urban and buy a bunch of distressed denim, but let us remind you that your bank account is not bottomless. Log in and take a look at your finances—no one said you didn’t deserve a little retail therapy, but make sure its within budget. Our advice? Amazon! Buy a bunch of cheap crystals and succulent planters! Good things come in Prime packages.
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