December 2017 / Editors / Feature

Your Horoscopes for December

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aries

Aries

(March 21- April 19)

You thrive when you have some structure and challenge in your life, Aries. Now that you’re home on break with no obligations or responsibilities, you might feel like you’re stagnating, but don’t let it get the best of you! Put on full face just to go to grocery store, flex on some idiots from high school—there’s still plenty of ass to kick even in your dumb hometown.

taurus

Taurus

(April 20 – May 20)

Your family fuckin suuucks, Taurus. But your chosen family is awesome and is no doubt thinking about you as you’re home for the holidays. Get in touch with some of them, even if its just to send them a good possum meme. Sometimes all you need to do to get support is to simply reach out, and what says “help me” more than self deprecating text on a picture of a screaming possum?

gemini

Gemini

(May 21 – June 20)

Gemini, you can get really frustrated if your favorite holiday traditions are not observed, but consider that this time is meant for reflection and gratitude. Your parents have already had to create a Christmas fantasy for you and your siblings for eighteen years, and it’s probably time to cut them some slack. This year, maybe you can do something to make some holiday magic for them, like shoveling the driveway before they even ask. Can you say “Best Child Points”?

cancer

Cancer

(June 21 – July 22)

You always give the best gifts, Cancer. And your wrapping? Incredible. Your friends definitely appreciate the thought you put into your presents, but when all the names on your shopping list are checked off, don’t forget to think about yourself. Celebrate another holiday season done right by clicking ‘add to cart’ on that book and bottle of nail polish that’ve been in your Amazon wishlist forever. Throw some bears in there  while you’re at it.

leo

Leo

(July 23 – August 22)

You know what time it is Leo—time to get the gang back together for some good old fashioned hometown joyriding! Blast those old Drake jams and get to speeding. Drive by your old high school to spit on it, gossip about the lames you used to know, and definitely hit up the McDonalds drive through for some cruise rations. Don’t forget to ask your parents for gas money.

virgo

Virgo

(August 23 – September 22)

Take a chance, Virgo. Grab your best friend, your lover, or your sibling and take them on a lunch date to the Cheesecake Factory. Compassion means treating your loved one to fried mac and cheese balls in a hanger sized building painted like an Egyptian shroom trip.

libra

Libra

(September 23 – October 22)

Libra, you are constantly on the lookout for your other half. Sometimes it can seem like your search for the perfect rich spouse will never be over! It may just be that you’re looking in the wrong places. Tinder is clearly getting you nowhere, so why not try Bumble? Just remember; if their profile includes a picture with a big dead fish or a gaggle of foreign children, pass.

 

scorpio

Scorpio

(October 23 – November 21)

Scorpio, in 2018 you are gonna be that bitch, and you’re gonna do it through the power of accessorizing. Whoever said less is more wasn’t aware how fab you are, so don’t be afraid to really go for it when it comes to trendy looks. Roll up to your second semester classes in body jewels and colored glasses—you’ll be on everyone’s cool girl list in no time.

sagittarius

Sagittarius

(November 22 – December 21)

Sagittarius, do not get frustrated that your bullet journal doesn’t look as good as everyone else’s online! You work and have a social life, and there’s just not enough time in the day to be obsessive about washi tape and mini stamps. Give yourself a break and try not to make your stationary just another stress in your life.

 

capricorn

Capricorn

(December 22 – January 19)

Man, 2017 sucked for you Capricorn. But you made it out of a another semester alive! Remember that you naturally find ways to challenge yourself no matter what your workload is, so maybe this year, focus on just three major goals instead of thirteen. There’s a difference between succeeding and spreading yourself way too thin.

aquarius

Aquarius

(January 20 – February 19)

Aquarius, you can be one cold bitch, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have a heart. Not everyone enjoys tough love, so if you want to improve your relationships with your softer friends, be a bit more patient with them. You might discover that your sensitive side is pretty comfortable.

pisces

Pisces

(February 20 – March 20)

It is PEAK seasonal depression time Pisces, and we know you’re hurting. But guess what? The Solstice has already passed, and the days are now slowly starting to get longer! You can make it, we promise. Studies show that eating foods with Niacin can help alleviate feelings of anxiety and depression, so try exchanging your normal depression meal Santitas chips for some clementines—it might make you feel a little sunnier.

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