Aries

(March 21- April 19)

Finals week is almost here Aries, and I know you’ve been putting off that paper you were assigned two weeks ago—so you know what you should do? Put some comfy sweatpants on and rewatch Stranger Things to iron out your perfect fan theory. Just email your teacher in the morning asking for an extension—say something important came up. I mean, you’re not wrong.

Taurus

(April 20 – May 20)

You are a good friend, Taurus, and you really deserve to know it! So throw a party in your honor! And have a cover charge which is a nice, sincere compliment at the door or have friends bring you a nice bottle of wine! (Or, uh, pop. This is a “dry” campus after all.)

Gemini

(May 21 – June 20)

You’ve been feeling lonely Gemini. Well, good thing the holidays are coming up! Ask Santa to bring you an air mattress and blow that shit up in your best friend’s room—now you never have to leave! #friendsforever

Cancer

(June 21 – July 22)

You have three dollars in your bank account Cancer, and we’re really proud of you, seeing as last week you were in the negatives! We think you should celebrate! Go off, my child, and buy some McDonalds french fries!

Leo

(July 23 – August 22)

We heard you got your tooth knocked out last week at a party—you’re a total badass Leo. Put that shit under your pillow and I’m sure the tooth fairy will be slipping quarters for laundry under there in no time.

Virgo

(August 23 – September 22)

I’m seeing a tattoo in your future Virgo—you really need a cat dressed up as a Vegas showgirl on your leg. Talk about a work of art.

Libra

(September 23 – October 22)

You’re a trendsetter Libra. With those ripped tights and black nail polish, don’t let those bitches steal your moves!

Scorpio

(October 23 – November 21)

You’ve been doing a lot of the heavy lifting in your friendship lately. This weekend it’s time for you to let loose Scorpio!! Make your friends hold your hair back while you puke and cry over your ex.

Sagittarius

(November 22 – December 21)

Flights are kind of cheap right now—you should totally drain what little savings you have and go to Paris and maybe just start a new life working in a cafe and just eat bread and chocolate all day and fall in love with a nice person from Paris and have nice children and maybe a cute cat that wears a beret—just maybe, I mean. Flights are cheap right now.

Capricorn

(December 22 – January 19)

Call your mom up and apologize, you know what for! Admit your faults Capricorn! It’s okay!!

Aquarius

(January 20 – February 19)

You’re a weirdo. You’re weird, you don’t fit in and you don’t wanna fit in, so take some alone time and go watch Rebel without a Cause, you weirdo.

Pisces

(February 20 – March 20)

We know you look shy and sweet, Pieces, but we know that you’re helping your lizard brothers with their plan to take over the world—you’re not fooling us.